Boris Johnson’s top aide Dominic Cummings has posted a baffling job advert on his website, seeking weirdos to work in Number 10.
Literally weirdos. He asks specifically for “super-talented weirdos.”
In a typically concise 2,900 word blog post, which frankly we’re not totally sure isn’t a joke, the Prime Minister’s most senior advisor sets out the qualities he’s seeking in people to help him run the country.
He wrote: “We need some true wild cards, artists, people who never went to university and fought their way out of an appalling hell hole, weirdos from William Gibson novels like that girl hired by Bigend as a brand ‘diviner’ who feels sick at the sight of Tommy Hilfiger or that Chinese-Cuban free runner from a crime family hired by the KGB.
“If you want to figure out what characters around Putin might do, or how international criminal gangs might exploit holes in our border security, you don’t want more Oxbridge English graduates who chat about Lacan at dinner parties with TV producers and spread fake news about fake news.”
Applicants are instructed to send a one-page email outlining their ideas, and presumably their hell-hole escape tips, to an unofficial Gmail account – email@example.com – with the subject line “Job”.
One lucky applicant gets to be Mr Cummings’ “personal assistant”.
Mr Cummings wrote: “One of you will be a sort of personal assistant to me for a year — this will involve a mix of very interesting work and lots of uninteresting trivia that makes my life easier which you won’t enjoy.
“You will not have weekday date nights, you will sacrifice many weekends — frankly it will hard having a boy/girlfriend at all.
“It will be exhausting but interesting and if you cut it you will be involved in things at the age of ~21 that most people never see.”
But it’s the conditions of employment that really sell it.
He wrote: “By definition I don’t really know what I’m looking for but I want people around No10 to be on the lookout for such people.
“We need to figure out how to use such people better without asking them to conform to the horrors of ‘Human Resources’ (which also obviously need a bonfire).”
He went on: “I’ll have to spend time helping you so don’t apply unless you can commit to at least 2 years.
“I’ll bin you within weeks if you don’t fit — don’t complain later because I made it clear now.”
We’re not sure how that one will hold up in court.
Mr Cummings, who is paid just shy of £100,000 a year, admitted the fresh push to hire weirdos is down to Number 10 lacking “expertise”, and his having to make decisions he’s in no way qualified to tackle.
He said: “We want to improve performance and make me much less important — and within a year largely redundant.
At the moment I have to make decisions well outside what Charlie Munger calls my ‘circle of competence’ and we do not have the sort of expertise supporting the PM and ministers that is needed.
“This must change fast so we can properly serve the public.”
He went on: “It will seem chaotic and ‘not proper No10 process’ to some. But the point of this government is to do things differently and better and this always looks messy.
“We do not care about trying to ‘control the narrative’ and all that New Labour junk and this government will not be run by ‘comms grid’.”
If you’re weird and want to give up your evenings, weekends and love life to perform tedious tasks for Dominic Cummings, email firstname.lastname@example.org